I am Seeking The Courage I Lack
Because I am a bonafide homosexual, the first movie I really, truly imprinted on was The Sound of Music. The movie took up two VHS tapes, so before starting the second tape in my bedroom, I would run to the TV in the living room and rewind the first one, so I was ready to start the movie again the literal second I was done. When I think about the movie now, so much of the most embarrassing things about me are revealed—I unironically love the “Lonely Goatherd” song, Captain Von Trapp’s goddamn whistle is more erotic to me than…anything should be, the Baroness was a Mean Mommy™ and you only need to look at my twitter to know formative that was to my queerness.
Of course, there is the music. “Edelweiss” is beautiful, heartbreaking song, and as an adult in 2019 I appreciate the whole “standing up to Nazi Germany” bit a lot more than I did at the age of 11. “Maria” (how do you solve a problem like) is hilarious and it is incredibly rude that the sisters sing a reprise of it on her literal wedding day. “My Favorite Things,” “Something Good,” “Sixteen Going on Seventeen,” I could go on, it’s a musical with non-stop bangers, but the one I find myself never really thinking about though it runs on a constant loop in my head is “I Have Confidence.” Let us a pause for a viewing:
….if I am being honest I started watching Sound of Music clips and then ended up here:
Which is very not the point, but it is very worth pointing out we live in the time of Audra McDonald.
BACK TO CONFIDENCE
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack
The last few months, these lines have run through my head non stop, especially that last one. What are any of us really seeking, in the end, if not that? If not the dream itself, then the thing that you need to go after the dream, the thing you need to find the dream inside yourself, the courage you lack.
My (beloved) therapist in Boston worked with me for years on building the confidence that Maria gives herself in that song. I can’t say that I’ve been totally successful, one of my “high points” was the ability to maintain eye contact during a compliment. I’ve never been good at believing in myself, in believing anything good about myself. I’d like that to change, I think I need it to change to figure out this career crisis, to find something I’m passionate about.
Now here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared
XOXO
CT